Randy Pausch, R.I.P.

A Carnegie Mellon Professor, Randy Pausch is best known for giving the traditional “Last Lecture”. Around September of 2007, he had been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and told that he had only 6 months to live. Instead of crawling into a hole and dying quietly, he emerged and taught the world to live, actually live each day and enjoy life. And as his lecture came to a close, Randy would say that we, the audience, may take what we want from it, but it’s really for his children. I remember first hearing about Randy and watching him on YouTube. I can’t explain and I won’t even try, I just offer to you what someone else once offered to me and hope you find the tiny pleasures in the lessons he speaks about.

A few of my favorite examples he uses in his lecture are as follows:

“When he first saw his wife and fell in love with her. That it took him a long while before she noticed him and reciprocated – the two falling madly in love with each other.” He never gave up.

“When his niece and nephew visited they were told by their parents to be extra careful around Uncle Randy’s new car - To not get it dirty! When they arrived, Randy took them out to look at the car and held up a can of soda. He then began pouring the can of soda in the backseat of his brand new car.” Possessions are things, easily replaced and cleaned. People are human and make mistakes, forgive them and move on.

“Write on your walls.” In my childhood bedroom (which my father has now rearranged into his office) the walls are covered in my poetry. The walls of my apartment in Venice, hehehe.. Are covered in 3”x5” index cards for the three writing projects I am currently working on.

“When there’s an elephant in the room, introduce it.” Randy Pausch

This is the one sound bite of Randy’s I have yet to learn and execute and wonder if this “elephant” will be my life’s lesson. And as I sit here typing, I smile, cause I know I will face it. The fear has passed and the butterflies are all a flurry, but I welcome it. Randy is a reminder, my reminder to live and enjoy life.

Thank you, Randy.

Side Story:
This past Tuesday evening as I was riding Ballona Creek with the Taco Tuesday Posse, Caesar rode up beside me, his music blaring from off the back of his bike. We smiled at each other and then he said, “We only have one life. One life.” I nodded and together we pedaled on a bit faster, the wind in our faces, and for a moment, became invincible.

Chilled Embers

In some distant place
I am the opposite of today
In the ever shifting
Plates of the underbelly
My presence is still
As the tiers tumble
Below my grasp
Without steadfast control
I am left on my knees
Fires ignite within
Strangling
Altering
All of it
Grand confusion
And I love it
I accept it
It is me
In the eye of the storm
A calm presents itself
Its chill
Wrapping
Round and round
The burning embers
There without explanation
He floods this place
A balance I cannot overlook
Or understate
Just allow
For the waves
Collect me
Hold me
And like that
My fire is out

Be Fri & Est Ends.. For Jill

In a small, small town, on a small, small street, in a small, small house, set behind two very large trees, lived a small, but tall, blonde girl, who, eventually, one day, traveled down a small, small road, over a small, small hill where she came to a halt in front of a small, small house with a very large back yard where there lived a small and short, brunette girl.

The two small, small girls, one blonde, one brunette, came to find they were very much unalike, but as serious as the small and short brunette found life to be, the small, but tall blonde would find the funny. And shortly, soon after, in this small, small town, the small, but tall blonde girl and the small and short brunette girl, two peas in a pod, became “Be Fri” and “Est Ends”.

Inseparable they were, however they differed, as the small and short brunette was cautious and careful, the small, but tall blonde was confident and carefree, her thick skinned bravery revealed a glimmer of curiosity which sparkled in her bright, blue eyes, and in that small, small town she opened the doors to adventure after adventure after adventure.

They would gush over boys, gossip about friends, however, the small and short brunette was very, very over dramatic in her way, which came to annoy the small, but tall blonde, only to soon realize the imagination of the small and short brunette unraveled stories of what could be, the possibility, the plausible, the very, very dreams of tomorrow and they would soon come to find the anecdotes in that small, small town, of the campy, the comical, the real, in the everyday small, small people.

Two peas in a pod, “Be Fri” and “Est Ends”, singing loudly, protesting angrily, laughing completely, judging never, cleverly devising, engaging ideas, captivating the world, their very, very, small, small world until one very blue and humid day, under a cloudy, gray sky, the small and short brunette girl went up and over the small, small hill and down the small, small street to find the small, small house set behind the two very large trees vacant, abandoned, deserted, unoccupied, uninhabited by the small, but tall blonde girl.

Sadly, the small and short brunette girl sat between the two very large trees in front of the small, small house – she had no friend to talk to, no friend to share this dreadful news with, no friend to tell her a joke, there was no small, but tall blonde girl to comfort her on this very, very blue and humid day, under a cloudy, gray sky.

So, alone and on her own, the small and short brunette went back down the small, small street and over the small, small hill where she came to a halt in back of her small, small house in her very large backyard to see the small, but tall blonde girl waiting patiently for the small and short brunette’s return.

The small, but tall blonde girl explained everything sad and unhappy about her family’s move far, far away, that even though they would have to experience their adventures separately, alone and very much on their own, they would write each other about the journey as they would always stay friends, two peas in a pod, “Be Fri” and “Est Ends”.

The small, but tall blonde pulled from her pocket a gold necklace, dangling, a heart shaped charm to which she broke into two handing the “Be, Fri” half to the small and short brunette as it was here, on that very blue and humid day, under a cloudy, gray sky, that although the small and short brunette knew she could no longer walk up and over the small, small hill and down the small, small street, that although the small, small house behind the two very large trees would not be occupied by the small, but tall blonde, that here on that day in back of her small, small house in her very large backyard, the two peas in a pod promised to stay “Be Fri” and “Est Ends” forever.

under my skin

as the dust settles
in some estranged
corner of my mind
you sit still
don't dare move
detached
we fill the space
you with truth
and i
untouched fiction
resonant laughter
an unhinged creature
reverberates the walls
round us
the line we once drew
blurred with tension
the moral question
lies at the tip of the tongue
the knots, alone
i cannot untangle
the questions
you leave unanswered
nevertheless, we find
in this small crevasse
deep
within the mental cavity
of unwritten words
all that could ever be said
the wash overcomes
cloaked in black
leaving me numb
in my mind's pocket
i keep you here
as i know
you search the depths
when i am missing
with a need
truth through reason
i know i cannot
explain.. express
or even
break the structure
we've built between us
so i add layers
thick and raw
just to escape you
to not face you
face myself

Out of Niphuria

She, frail and tiny. One would say she mirrors an insect with oversized wings. Each webbed in elaborate pastel design. Though her eyes are weary, they dart, alert and sound. She pears into the moonless sky, looking beyond, searching for her way. In the distance she hears the call.. and waits. The time is come. She knows her duty well as she is the messenger. Arisen from Niphuria, out of depths of the Helix and through the Gates of Zephyr. And in agony, she whispers back to the call, "I have stood on the edge of existence and I have seen all there is. I have mocked those that try but never gave enough - knowing they shall perish in all they do. I have laughed at those who laugh back and smirked when I do not breathe in their favor. I have cried for those who cannot see and hear, however talkative and promising they are as a listener. I have walked the paths of the demons and groveled at the feet of the unworthy. I do not fear those I have not met, just those I did and never took the time to understand. I do not hate those that do not see the world as I do, because it would only be reciprocated. I do sigh, however, at those that move too fast and do not wish to play awhile. For I have stood and stayed, I have lived many lives and breathed in even more days. And I must keep going and I must keep surviving because that is what is expected of me." -- The Unmasked Sri

Script from ANAORIN

EXT. FOREST, SKY -- NIGHT

Stars twinkle as they fill the blackened sky.

There are three moons of an orange glow, arranged offset in an angle, the lowest slowly dilapidating.

ORLAND (V.O.)
In the century of the Three Moons, in the third
generation of the Loughlyn Dynasty, under the
house of Del, it came to be that King DeMoore,
son of King DelMar and Queen DelWyn, would
take the fair maiden, Blanchet, as his bride.


EXT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE -- CONTINUOUS

Camera angles from the sky to ancient, robust castle. We sweep over the castle and enter the grand doors into:


INT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE -- CONTINUOUS

Down the corridor and into the main dining hall. The hall is filled with people laughing and eating and drinking in merry.

King DeMoore sits next to his wife Queen DelWyn and they smile as their son, King DelMar and his new bride, Blanchet, take to the dance floor.

King DelMar and Blanchet looking lovingly into each other’s eyes and dance throughout the room as if no one in the room existed but themselves.


INT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE, MASTER BEDROOM -- NIGHT

Camera swiftly moves through the open doors of the bedroom following Queen Blanchet’s CRIES and SCREAMS in pain. We float over the bed to see Queen

Blanchet deliver twins. Two baby girls.

ORLAND (V.O.)
Queen Blanchet would bare him two daughters
of the highest bloodline. Princess Iliza and
Princess Idair.


EXT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE -- DAY

The green grounds of the flowing hills reveal the two daughters upon horses, age eight.
ORLAND (V.O.)
While growing up under their father’s rule, his
daughters were educated on the world they
would one day inherit through birthright.


INT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE, LIBRARY --

The daughters, twelve, are tutored by a teacher. Idair studies endlessly surrounded by books. Iliza stares off into space, wrinkling the page in front of her and twirling her long blonde locks with her finger.

CUT TO:


EXT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE GROUNDS, MARKET PLACE -- DAY

The marketplace is lined with carts and street merchants. People mingle and barter wrapped in linens and drapery. There are dwarfs and midgets and Rydars and Sris as well as many different animals from dogs to sheep.

Idair, sixteen, reveals herself walking through the marketplace. Her long gown dances in the wind, she is beauty. She carries with her a basket filled with fruit and is followed by children that laugh and tease with her.

ORLAND (V.O.)
Idair, intelligent, a quick learner with her beauty
and grace, stepped forward into the countryside
to meet the many people of her father’s kingdom.
There she met, under the house of Adonis, their
eldest, Christoph.

The crowd parts and a young, robust CHRISTOPH appears. He is dressed in royal colors and holds his head high with his shining, steel sword by his side.

Christoph and Idair lock eyes and smile -- immediately falling in love.


EXT. FOREST -- DAY

Idair and Christoph climb trees and eat fruit and play with the sris that taunt them.

ORLAND (V.O.)
Many believe that her witch-like abilities, which
Idair found she possessed later, called Christoph
to her, thus bewitching him to fall in love with her.


EXT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE -- NIGHT

Christoph climbs the wall of the castle as Idair watches excitedly from her window.


INT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE -- NIGHT

Christoph climbs through the window into Idair’s bedroom and the two kiss and
make love on her giant queen-sized bed.

CUT TO:


INT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE, DUNGEON -- NIGHT

Idair, surrounded by nurses sits, legs spread bleeding on the cold, wet stone ground. Her father, King DeMoore stands in the corner hidden in the shadows.

ORLAND (V.O.)
The two then brought forth a child, a boy, who
would remain a secret.


EXT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE -- CONTINUOUS

The large wooden and steel doors opens and a rydar reveals himself. He swiftly rides the child, disappearing into the forest.

ORLAND (V.O.)
King DeMoore had the child taken from his
mother’s arms and by Rydar, given to father
Monstat.


EXT. SEMINARY - CONTINUOUS

A door opens, candlelight fills the small walkway. The Rydar is lit holding the child as Father Monstat stands in the doorway to receive the child.

The Door is shut and the Rydar, alone, disappears into the night.

ORLAND (V.O.)
Father Monstat was told to never speak of
the child’s parentage. The boy, named Aebi,
was to be raised an orphan like the bastard
child he was.


INT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE, MAIN ROOM -- DAY

King DeMoore stands behind Christoph and Iliza and nods as the priest who stands in front of them reads them their vows into matrimony.

ORLAND (V.O.)
The King then took it upon himself to punish
the young lovers by giving his eldest daughter,
Iliza, Christoph’s hand in marriage and the
next in line for the throne.


EXT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE, TOWER -- NIGHT

Establishing shot. Camera climbs the side of the tower to show it’s height and sheer splendor as it towers over the castle and the countryside.


INT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE, TOWER -- NIGHT

A small cramped room, inelegant. Draped in books and jars and interesting bugs and birds.

Idair, draped across her bed, cries out in despair.

ORLAND (V.O.)
King DeMoore banished Idair to the tower
where she would exist, alone.

Through the window, like a ghost, a swift wind entered the tower hushing Idair’s cries. Idair sits up in bed and watches around her the ghost like whispers as they consume her thoughts.

ORLAND (V.O.) (cont’d)
Thus, the Witch-Queen whisper came unto the house of
Del and spoke to the young Idair to teach her of her now
known strength and powers for a new way of life.


INT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE, MAIN ROOM -- DAY

Iliza sits in her throne, Christoph at her side as they hold hands and smile.

ORLAND
In the years of the three moons, in the fourth
generation of the Loughlyn Dynasty under the
house of Del, it was Iliza that took the throne
with Christoph at her side as King.

People dance and eat and enjoy the party before them.

ORLAND (cont’d)
Months later, the first heir to the throne was
born a girl who was named Payton. For the
namesake’s meaning of “warrior princess”,
though not known at the time, would bring the
first Great War unto the Loughlyn Dynasty and
ultimately her won death.

A young girl, all of eight, with dark curls runs out from behind her mother’s throne and joins the dancing crowd with laughter.


INT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE, TOWER -- NIGHT

Idair, angered paces back and forth holding an old dilapidated book as she flips through the pages.

ORLAND
Spurned and angered by her father’s doings,
Idair grew all knowing of the Witch-Queen Craft
and forged under the great book of Icelidora,
out of revenge for her sister’s taking of her one love,
Christoph, a curse on their young daughter Payton.

Idair snaps the book closed and looks out her vast window into the starry, chilled night air.

IDAIR
(in the Witch-Queen Whisper)
Any male Payton, heiress to the Loughlyn throne,
doth love shall see them buried by her own hand.

The whisper murmurs through nature.


INT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE, TOWER STAIRWELL -- NIGHT

Aebi, rushes up the steps. Quickly, one after the other, his hand holding his silver, steel sword at his side.


INT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE, TOWER -- NIGHT

Aebi forces himself through the doors into Idair’s chambers. His eyes searching the room frantically for her.

Idair appears in the doorway behind him. She is older, wiser, her features now dark. Her long black hair covers her large smoky eyes.

IDAIR
My Aebi, of great peril bring you unto my
house. Have I taught you nothing, but to
bury your feelings from yourself and your
opponents?

Aebi bows before her and leans down on one knee.

IDAIR (cont’d)
(commanding)
RISE.

Aebi stand before her. They lock eyes.
IDAIR (cont’d)
You are trembling. Is it fear?
(pauses)
No.
(pauses)
Death?
(pauses)
No.
(pauses)
Is it love that I see in your eyes? Are you finally
ready to admit that this beauty you found is the one?
(smiles)
Bring her to me and I shall make the final decision
of her worthiness for my own son.

Aebi, frustrated, throws down his sword and faces his mother intently.

AEBI
(barely in tears)
You do not listen, Mother! How could this be
that this beauty I love is my sister?

Idair steps backward away from her son and clutches the dagger she keeps close to her heart.

IDAIR
I feel I have pierced my heart, though I have no
blood to show for it. Aebi -- NO!

She breaks her stare from Aebi and looks away catching her breath and controlling her emotions.

IDAIR (cont’d)
Do not define love through her womanly wiles.
She is using you to make her self-conscious
conditioning her mother instilled in her to go away.
(pauses)
You must understand, my son, you prior to the
knowledge of her being your kin, wanted only to
abuse her feminine body.

AEBI
(in anger)
She LOVES me, Mother!

IDAIR
Have her lips spoken those words to you?

AEBI
Yes.

IDAIR
And you believe them? These words?

AEBI
As much as I love her.

Idair takes Aebi’s face into her hands holding it angelically.

IDAIR
(in the Witch-Queen whisper)
It cannot be.

Angle all around the room as the voice echoes throughout the room.

Angle on the walls as they vibrate.


EXT. FOREST -- CONTINUOUS

A heavy wind flows through the trees as the voice echoes throughout the forest.


INT. LOUGHLYN CASTLE, TOWER -- CONTINUOUS

Aebi bows his head in shame.

AEBI
I have penetrated her womb. She carries my son.

Idair throws herself away from him, ashamed and angered.

IDAIR
No, my Aebi. Not you.

Aebi steps forward, arms out as if to console his mother. She moves his arms away from her with force pushing him backward.

AEBI
Why do you say such things with a sound of
sadness? You should be angry at your own
bloodline. Your father for separating us. You
should be angry with Father Monstat for not
telling me sooner who I am. Why? Why such
sadness? This too shall be overcome like all
things in this life, Mother.

Idair faces Aebi.

IDAIR
(sternly)
My son, your death will be imminent and swift.
Pray your child is female. For if it be a male,
her love shall kill its very essence and your child
will share your grave. This I know.

Idair, tired, consumed with grief, sits in her chair.

IDAIR (cont’d)
This I have seen as told to me by the witch-queen
whispers by my own hand. My careless motives
for revenge unto my Iliza from her allegiance in
marriage to my one love, your father, Christoph.
The whisper says that any male Payton loves shall
soon be stricken with death. I am sorry, my son.
For if I had known, I would have --.

AEBI
Mother! But I am still alive. I am breathing here in
front of you. Alive and well.

IDAIR
Your time is short. You will not know. It will come swift.
(composing herself)
I blame her, and she shall be punished a murderer.
For I shall wipe my conscious clean. I will make
myself forget.

AEBI
Me? Forget me? Why not protect me, Mother?
(begging)
Protect me from your spell. Cast another!

IDAIR
No, Aebi. Payton was made of no love and for
that my sister’s child will suffer.

AEBI
Is her fault that there is no love? For I was
conceived out of wedlock and many find
wrong in this.

IDAIR
Aebi, my Aebi, pure as the Witch-Queen loves
Anaorin and breathes it life with love, so were
you brought into this world.

AEBI
So, shall I leave then? Will go to die in her arms,
my beloved Payton?

Idair walked away from her son and over to her vast windows that looked down upon her father’s, now her sister’s castle. Her eyes thinned to slits and a smile formed across her face.

IDAIR
Ahhh... Yes. Let her lie next to your lifeless body
and feel love’s death as I have before her.

Angry, Aebi picks up his sword and unsheaths it holding it tight by his side.

AEBI
You wait, Mother! You wait! My child will be so great!
He will out do your treachery and send you and your
Witch-Queens back to the pits of Niphuria!
(his voice steady and calm)
That I know. That I believe.

IDAIR
Say none such things to your mother! The
prophecy you naught believe, therefore you shall
not voice those words that you cannot foresee. My
love for you, my child cannot save you. Not for all
the love in Anaorin.

Aebi paces the room. Idair’s eyes follow him. Intense quiet fills the room.

AEBI
Then if you will not save me, let Payton suffer my
loss and save my son.

IDAIR
A son you believe to have?

AEBI
I know it.

Beat.
IDAIR
Because my whisper will take your life,
your loving wish is granted.

Idair reveals the Witch-Blade Sword of Life which was hidden in her cloak by her heart. It’s steel shimmers in the moonlight and a blue light presents itself around the blade as she holds it.

IDAIR (cont’d)
Your breath will last till your son’s first night in Anaorin.
Strike him down with the Witch-Blade Sword of Life
and let him drink from it his own blood. With his own
blood he will be nurtured to everlasting life.
(pauses)
When you have completed this, strike yourself down,
the Witch-Blade Sword of Life will then pass unto him,
thus making you his first slay. By proving yourself to
the Gods with this act you shall be set free with your
own death and bypass Niphuria.

Aebi nods in understanding.
IDAIR (cont’d)
Immortality. You are but flesh and bone, mortal,
but your son will live for all time. And you shall
name him Daramittri.

Aebi bowed before his Mother and leaned down on one knee.

IDAIR (cont’d)
RISE.

Aebi stands before his Mother.

Idair stares deep into his eyes and holds the Witch-Blade Sword of Life out for Aebi to take.

Aebi accepts the sword, his hand trembling from the power it wields.
IDAIR (cont’d)
My dear son, Aebi. I love.

Aebi turns away from her and exits her chambers.

Idair crumbles to the floor where Aebi once stood and embraces the nothingness he left behind.

FADE TO:

EPILOGUE

long ago
in some city
on some whim
from some grand scheme
when we lived out
all we could
you left me
without knowing

a part of me
you touched
i close my eyes
i remember every beat
in the darkness
you were my light
in desperate hours
you were my second hand
in my happiest moments
you were my smile
which made it all
very clear

frozen in morality
of what is proper
right and wrong
i lied, told stories
pretended
the illusion of anybody else
but you
the little girl i left behind
to hold those moments
she rushes back
holding them, handing them
to me, of you

it's been years
decades even
you've crossed oceans in your lifetime
and i in mine
yet here i am
where you once left me
to when we were
or actually not at all
i have rewritten the pages
i erased the plausible
of what i had dreamed
could be
and have colored the existence
a rainbow of thought
which has forgotten you
until now

oh, my friend
where do you dance tonight
are you sitting round
with friends at your side
do you love her
whomever she is
are your children the energy
you've exhausted yourself with
are you finally content
more-so, does time quickly go
are you ever alone
do you ever rewrite the pages
if you could
what would you say
would you do it all over again
would you love me still

it's cold here in my shadowed house
the wax from the candles
drips low
years have aged my weathered soul
as she lays slipping with time
i must admit
in the dramatized story of my life
your chapters
are my last grand novel
as i write them now
seeing as how i never regret
i do, however, you
i have dotted every i
crossed every t
maybe, just maybe
you will remember
find you
where you left me

and in some great movie moment
where the score elevates
and the production design weeps
of old fashioned romance
in the void of dialogue
we will walk there
and i and you
will be